Happy Dreams at the CDU
by Jing Mei Chen
Summary: ...I won't become like that one
1. Default Chapter

"Come by every couple of weeks. Let them know they can beat this.  
That there's some sort of hope"  
  
Let who know? I'm not even sure if I can beat this, yet alone offer   
someone hope  
  
"You don't mind?"  
  
She's stopped in front of the hospital. Hands gripped tightly on the  
steering wheel  
  
Looking at her, you can tell all this was wearing on her. Her face was even  
beginning to look old  
  
"It's fine" Susan replied bitterly, eyeing the large windows."Just go, Carter"  
  
9 floors. I've got 9 floors before I hit the CDU. The Chemical Dependency  
Unit. Offer someone hope.  
  
Go, so I can spend just alittle time forgetting about you and your demons.  
  
************************************************  
Well they almost had you down   
I was beat back, look in the mirror and   
Like your thoughtless mother   
I'm not bound to walk in your footsteps   
Well this has gotta change   
I can't go on with the nine to five   
I gotta rearrange   
Lord, I swear it's gotta change   
************************************************  
9 floors. 2 sodas and one candy bar later.I'm searched  
  
Needles, pills, small thin joints  
  
They give me a visitor's pass, so all the patients will know I don't really   
belong here and hate me  
  
"Guys" the nurse called,"Everyone in the meeting room. We have a guest speaker"  
  
Someone like you. But not like you. Because they were prescribed pain pills for my  
back. Chemical dependent  
  
I was just like them. I try so hard not to be them  
  
"Go ahead" the nurse gives me a small push into the room, plastering a fake  
grin on her face  
  
They're going to eat me alive  
  
"Hi" hands in pockets, shifting weight akwardly. I used to think I wore  
a huge sign on my forehead "ADDICT"  
  
I don't. They don't. Except the ones in the wheelchair, like Chase  
  
  
But it's too late to help those  
  
"I'm Dr.John Carter"  
*********************************************  
And no-one ever dreams about selling cars or waiting bars   
I won't become like that one   
*********************************************  
My story's nothing. And I try so hard to hide my disgust, my sadness, my fear of  
some of these people  
  
One man actually laughed when I told them about giving that woman the  
wrong antibotic  
  
  
He killed his daughter  
  
I feel stupid  
  
I should have chosen schools. It would have been easier to tell my story  
to bored teenagers  
  
"Everyone, say thank you to our guest speaker, Dr.Carter" the nurse glares  
at their smug faces  
  
Fake applause. Cat calls  
  
They're just happy I'm leaving   
  
"John?" Deb called from the front desk, "Susan got tied up at work"  
  
  
I was afarid I would have to ask Susan drive me to see Lucy.Lucy's grave.  
  
"Ready to go?"  
  
I rip my pass off my coat. Pass Go and collect 200$.I get to leave.  
"I've been ready for awhile"   
  
  
"I take it your talk didn't go so well" keys rattling in her small hands  
  
Susan never asked me how they went. She seemed resentful to even have to  
pick me up  
***********************************  
I believe you should be gone   
Happy dreams at the CDU  
***********************************  
Deb listened quietly as I recounted each story  
  
"That's horrible" she 'd throw in every now and then.Or,"How sad"  
  
I stay away from my feelings of shame and stupidity.  
  
"How'd it make you feel?? That man laughing at you?" her voice was soft.  
I wanted to lay my head in her lap and cry  
  
"You wouldn't mind stopping by Lucy's grave, would you?" I ask,ignoring  
the feelings question  
  
I'm afarid of what would come out. My feelings about this,that, work and her.  
  
"All you had to do was ask" and miracleously, she knows where she's going  
  
Deb went to the funeral. Brings flowers every now and then,she tells me.  
*********************************  
  
Well your world was crashing down   
You decided to leave town   
Poison in your vein   
What a shame   
When it feels like something's gone wrong in your life   
You can try   
Try and open up your life now   
Try and open up to me  
*********************************  
One time I came by myself.I had 4 viccadin and a bouquet of pale pink roses.  
  
I don't remeber much. Just waking up when I felt cold  
  
At least I woke up . 


	2. Happy Dreams at the CDU

Deb stopped the car and whispered something about me and privacy  
  
Maybe I'd want to do this alone  
  
"Hi,I'm sorry, I got you killed"  
  
"Last time I came, I was an idiot, and I'm sorry"  
  
They sounded worse spoken outloud than in my head  
  
I turned around once to catch Deb looking at me with an unexplainable  
look on her face  
  
I can't describe it.Maybe I don't want to.  
  
Because I'm afarid to say outloud what I think it might have meant  
*********************************  
You, with your hand outstretched  
Finger on the key  
This lock that you release  
Is opening but isn't free  
********************************  
"Luce"  
  
It's strange standing in front of a gravestone  
  
Part of you wants to sink to your knees and sob, stuffing   
bits of dirt into your mouth  
  
Part of you wants to stand straight, an emotionless body, telling  
yourself how riduclous this is.How insane everything is  
  
Me?  
  
  
"I didn't bring any flowers this time. It was sort of last minute...  
coming here"  
  
This was the one place talking outloud, people didn't think you were insane.  
Grief-stricken, but not mad  
*************************************  
And I hope that you can see  
How it beats inside of me  
Instead of pushing fear aside  
I want to run I want to hide  
I am vulnerably yours  
*************************************  
"I went to another hospital"  
  
I could feel Deb's eyes burning into me. So much for privacy  
  
"I guess I had to validate my feelings. They made me feel so..."  
  
"Inferior?"  
  
Everyone questions their sanity at one time or another. I've just   
grown so sick and tired of questioning  
  
  
"Inferior" I ignored the soft female voice. No such thing as ghosts  
  
"John..."  
  
I ignored her  
  
"They laughed. Like I had spilled milk then fallen on my ass   
because I forgot to pick it up"  
  
She was nowhere near me, but i could feel her  
  
"He came to the hospital....him.Paul"  
  
Part of me can't believe I said it  
  
Paul Paul Paul..killer  
  
"Apologized. Apologized like he had done some little thing like take  
my pen. Stupid son of a bitch"  
  
When Deb cries, it sounds like little gasps. Little gasps in my ear  
************************************  
She, who is wanting me  
Whose touch can make me cry  
I can only understand  
By never asking her why  
*************************************   
"I go to the hospital, and I still feel dread.Like I shouldn't  
be here"  
  
Shouldn't be here. Lucy, let's trade. You can take my place, Lucy  
  
"I thought telling people,people like me..."  
  
They're not like me. But I'm like them  
  
Chemically dependent  
  
"Would make it better" I stopped talking, rubbing my neck anxiously,"But..."  
  
It hurts.It hurts it hurts, it hurts. And I'm so confused. Deb standing  
behind me just confuses me more  
  
She's listening  
  
To my pure, brutual honesty  
******************************************  
Hear the contradictions fly  
And as hard as I may try  
Every truth becomes a lie  
In the ache of her reply  
I am passionately..  
******************************************  
Better her than anyone else  
  
Abby doesn't want to know. She has so much pain, hers is all   
she hears  
  
She tried to hide him from me. Hide  
  
Susan doesn't care. This is old, repeative, numbing  
  
"So here I am, Lucy. To keep repeating over and over  
how sorry I am"  
  
  
so sorry.I'm sorry  
  
"How guilty I feel"  
  
It's my fault. Everything. Paul killing Lucy. The imbalance, the loose  
screws, shorted wires in his head, all my fault  
  
"To remind myself this isn't just a nightmare"  
  
I want to wake up  
***********************************  
Yours  
And the saddest eyes are  
Yours  
And the softest skin is  
Yours  
And the hope I borrow is  
Yours  
***********************************  
There's a long period of silence  
  
Quiet  
  
Quiet used to scare me. Quiet is right before they tell you someone'sss  
dead. Quiet's right before someone tells you they're leaving  
  
"Come on John" Deb tapped my shoulder,"Let's go"  
  
Enough reality, make me smile again  
  
"Not yet"I muttered  
  
  
She nodded."OKay..." Deb said quietly. She sunk down to   
the ground beside me  
  
I don't know what I was waiting for  
  
Silence not to be akward?  
  
How long it took the sky to get dark, and for us to get cold?  
  
Maybe I just wanted to see how long Deb would wait with me  
***************************************  
So won't you let me in I'm yours  
All that I begin is yours  
Every prize I win is yours  
At your feet again I'm yours  
All I am is yours 


End file.
